Journal of a directional dyslexic

Within a couple of days of me receiving my new job offer, my manager told me about an offline event in Spain. The job was supposed to be a fully remote position and when he asked me about my availability for the event, I felt crippled. Partly because of my social anxiety and partly because I wasn’t yet familiar with European culture. More importantly, the journey was a bit long and there are bits of the journey I am not familiar with. Only 8 months have passed since I first landed in Europe. The first instinct was to apologise and say “no” to the trip. But then, I remembered my first corporate job and my very supportive manager there who encouraged me to go to the offline events. Those days, I was the only woman engineer in the team of 8 and that too I was a teetotaler. Unlike now, there were no communities like "women who code" or "women techmakers". People had not started talking about gender and diversity & inclusion in tech. It was a small company which was growing steadily, and we had frequent outdoor events. Every single time, I felt like a misfit during these events. That way, being uncomfortable became something I got comfortable with during those days..

As someone who never aspired to climb the corporate ladder, I always felt that attending these outdoor events didn’t matter much to me. However, I wanted to be a team player and spend time with my colleagues. Considering all my experiences of the past, I decided to go for the offline event

 Work was becoming hectic. I had little time to shop or prepare for the trip. It was the end of fall and the start of winter. I wasn’t sure whether I had the right clothing to travel in Europe. Also, the question of what to wear and what styles to choose was bothering me. Should I go formal or should I keep it casual? Premith helped me with the purchases and ensured that I had everything required for the trip. Premith’s sister, Kunjulli  also patiently answered all my silly questions about winter clothing. She has been living in a cold country for almost five years now. With my partner’s and my partner’s sister’s support, I was all set to travel comfortably.

I am someone who can get lost easily and have absolutely no sense of direction. Of course, things had changed a bit after I started living with Premith. It all began with him holding my hand, taking me to every nook and corner of Kozhikode, and telling me stories about the city. Somehow, I got a sense of direction as I repeatedly drove to all my favorite spots in Kozhikode and learned the routes. Later, I started connecting the dots, driving alone to these or nearby places without him. However, my understanding of the routes and directions is more like memorizing them. If there’s any traffic redirection, I get completely lost. I either call Premith in an anxious and frustrated tone or try my best to rely on Google Maps to spare him from bearing the brunt of my anxiety. But then, as my dad jokes about my mom, I might end up using up all the petrol in my car.

On the day before the trip, Premith once again ensured that I had everything in place to travel comfortably. He first accompanied me to a Geldautomat and made sure I knew how to withdraw money. In between, ah, probably the first German word that I am using in this post: Geld means money in German, and Automat is a device or machine that performs automated functions. German can sometimes be fun to learn! I had never operated a Geldautomat by myself here in Germany. We withdrew 50 Euros, and the ATM dispensed two 20-Euro notes and one 10-Euro note. Later, we went in the evening to the Karlsruhe railway station, or as they call it here in Deutschland, the Hauptbahnhof. The intention was to familiarize me with the platforms. We saw the platform where my train was to arrive and how to identify the position of my carriage. He also reminded me about the Deutsche Bahn app and made me comfortable with it. He showed me how to retrieve my ticket from the app in case the ticket checker comes to check it.

The next day, as usual, I was running late for the train. Though the initial plan was that Premith would see me off at the tram station, he decided to leave a note at the office and instead came down to the Hauptbahnhof to see me off.

I got into the train comfortably. The temperature in Karlsruhe was probably under 10°C. I could have managed with my regular puffer jacket, but I decided to wear the thickest jacket I had—the one that would protect me even from the snow. Once I got into the train, I knew I was alone for the next 96 hours or so. As anticipated, the carriage was full of white men, women and children. Was I panicking? I don’t know. But I remember making blunders. I wasn’t alert. As I was trying to find my seat by walking through the aisle, I was pulling my suitcase from behind. I remember it getting stuck everywhere, and I had to try hard to pull it. Usually, when I’m comfortable, I keep the suitcase in front and push slowly. That way, I don’t hurt anyone, and I’m in full control. Why didn’t I do that this time? As soon as I found a place to put my suitcase, I just pushed it there. The space was crowded, and it had room for just one more suitcase. I knew it was far from my seat for sure. My seat number was much further ahead. I made a mental note of the nearest seat to the slot where I had placed my luggage, so I wouldn’t get lost when looking for it. My suitcase was near 43, while my seat number was 143. Seat 143 was at the end of the carriage. As I walked towards it, I could see many empty, less crowded spaces where I could have placed my suitcase. But I didn’t go back to get it. I just wanted to find my seat and sit comfortably.

I reached the end of the carriage, and the last seat was 143. The man sitting there asked me if he was in my seat. I must have been anxious again because I really don’t remember the language he spoke. It must have been English, or else how would I have understood his question? He was a young man, probably in his early or mid-twenties. In the adjacent seat was a girl who had probably just crossed her teens. They might have been traveling together. She was reading on her Kindle. Seeing me panicking, he asked again for my seat number. I tried answering in German: “Eins vier …” (1, 4…). Then, I probably realized he was trying to speak in English with me, so I switched to English. I told him it was 143. He smiled and got up from his seat. I felt guilty for separating the couple, so I asked him, “Are you sure?” He smiled again and said, “I don’t have a reservation. It’s your seat.” I sat next to the girl. She didn’t seem too happy to have me near her – or at least, I thought so.

Premith was watching me from outside and waved me goodbye. Though I frequently make resolutions not to raise my voice with Appu and Premith, I had almost screamed at them the previous evening as well. While bidding farewell to Premith, I don’t think I was sad, but tears rolled down my cheeks as the train started to move.

—-----

I had packed my Kindle but decided not to read, as I wanted to stay alert. I started thinking about everything I needed to do for the rest of the journey. The part after getting off in Frankfurt seemed like the scariest part. I had to take a tram from the Frankfurt railway station to the Frankfurt Airport. Google Maps isn't always my  best companion when there's walking involved.

I had checked Google Maps the previous evening to get an idea of the stretch from the railway station to the airport. It’s a short 15-minute ride on a local train, but finding the station and platform is going to be the difficult part for me. Germany is as automated as possible, and my interactions with people here have been minimal so far. Whether it’s the billing at the supermarket, cash transactions at the laundry, or monthly and daily tram tickets – everything is done without human interaction. People obviously speak German here, though many understand and communicate in English. My efforts to learn German have come to a standstill since I started my job.

Ok, I told myself, there’s no need to panic. You have two hours to figure out a 15-minute train ride. And I have a Deutsche Bahn ticket, which means that even if I take the wrong tram, I can just take the same one back without paying any extra. So, Pyari, you have both time and no worries about money. Just stay calm.

The train had one stop before Frankfurt—Mannheim. The girl next to me got off at Mannheim, and I saw the man who had been in my seat getting off as well. No one took the seat next to mine, and I now had a clear view through the window. I didn’t move to the window seat. I was worried: What if someone occupies the aisle seat, and I don’t know how to politely ask them to move when I need to get off at Frankfurt? So, I stayed in my aisle seat and looked out the window. It was lightly raining, and it looked beautiful.

The train was slightly delayed. It was supposed to arrive in Frankfurt by 11:55. I had decided to get my luggage early. I got up from my seat, retrieved my luggage near seat number 43, and waited outside the carriage near the door. I heard the loco pilot making an announcement. Although he spoke in both German and English, I couldn’t quite make out what he said. From the display boards and the prominent words he used, I figured out that the train was delayed by around 20 minutes. While I was waiting by the door, a foreigner asked me if the next station was Frankfurt. I found it amusing that someone was asking me about the stations, but then I realized that, like me, he, being a foreigner, might have felt more comfortable asking me than a native speaker. I told him that, yes, he was right, and the next station was indeed Frankfurt. However, I looked at the display board and checked the DB app to confirm.

 

When I got off, I checked Google Maps and found that I needed to board the train to Wiesbaden Hauptbahnhof. The train I had to take was an S8 or S9 from platform 103. Now, how do I get to platform 103? This is where I was going to get into trouble. As I mentioned before, when it comes to walking, I tend to mess things up while using maps. I’m more comfortable asking people for directions. Today, however, I didn’t know the language, so I decided to follow the people who had just gotten off the train. I thought some signs would direct me to platform 103

I was feeling a bit cold and I decided to put on my gloves. I stopped pulling my suitcase, placed it near me, and began trying to put on my gloves. An elderly man, probably in his late 50s, walked towards me and, with a smile, showed me his ID card. I was all set to take out my passport and show it to him, but then I decided to use the Google Translator app to read what was written on his ID card. However, when I pointed the camera of the app at his ID, he seemed to get uncomfortable. I wanted to reassure him that I wasn’t trying to take a picture of his ID but was simply trying to translate it. Of course, I couldn’t say this in German, so I tried speaking in English, but he didn’t seem to understand. I then searched for the German translation of the word 'translation itself' and found it: 'übersetzen.' I mentally thanked Sabi, my German teacher, for helping with reading German words. I told him 'übersetzen.' He then put his hands in his jacket pocket and took out some coins to indicate that he was asking for money. I think I also heard him say 'money' in English. He also showed me some pamphlets in his hands, so he was probably collecting money for charity or he was trying to explain why he is collecting the money. It could also be that he was trying to sell the tabloid and was asking me to buy it. Anyway, I decided to give him some money. I had seen Premith give people one or two euros, so I decided to give him two euros. My plan was to later ask him for the address I was looking for.

But all I had was 50 euros, the money I had withdrawn from the Geldautomat the previous evening. The smallest denomination I had was a 10-euro note. I now wanted to tell the man that I would give him 10 euros and expect him to return 8 euros. A few past experiences flashed through my mind. I remembered the auto driver in Bangalore who took 500 rupees from me and vanished into the heavy traffic, never to return. I also recalled another auto driver in Kozhikode, to whom Premith had paid 200 rupees instead of the 50 we owed him, because the driver didn’t have change. But this guy had tracked us down on SM Street and returned the balance. Every land has its share of helpful and opportunistic people. What kind would this man be, I wondered. What if he didn’t understand my language, or worse, if he didn’t give me the change?

Anyway, I used the translator app and found the translation for:

“I will give you 10, please return 8” as:

“Ich gebe dir 10, du gibst mir bitte 8.”

I remember Sabi saying “du” is used for casual occasions and should never be used with a stranger. This man was older, so I didn’t want to use “du.” I added "sir" at the end of my sentence in the translator app, and it gave me:

“Ich gebe Ihnen 10, bitte geben Sie mir 8, Sir.”

Okay, I thought this might sound better. I read this sentence to him, and he smiled and nodded as if he understood.I was still not sure whether he would give me the money back.

I used the translator app again and said,

“Haben Sie verstanden, Sir?” I was getting into my irritating self.

He nodded again, smiling.

I thought, “No risk. Let me give him the lower denomination coins I have.” I counted them, but it was only 30 cents. I didn’t think the man would be happy with that. As I counted, I also noticed his face—he looked disappointed.

Then, I remembered Premith. I knew what he would have told me: “It’s 10 Euros. It’s okay if this man cheats. Just give him the money and trust him.” Oh yeah, that was easier. I gave him the money. I somehow felt that he didn’t have plans to give me anything back, and so, I opened my hand, and he pulled out money from his pocket and started counting to give me the change. I told him to stop at the count of 6. I had paid him 4 euros instead of the 2 I had planned. I wanted to ask him for directions to Wiesbaden, but even before I could check the app, he patted my hand and walked away swiftly.

Though I didn’t manage to ask him for directions, I felt good. I felt Premith’s presence with me. I realized why I’m still in love with him after all these many years of living together.

Before leaving, the old man had asked me whether I wanted to take the tabloid. I told him I would take it. It was in German. He handed me the tabloid, and I kept it in my handbag. I continued to walk in the same direction as him. The platform was long, and the nearest sign with directions was still not readable.

I wanted to check the maps again and suddenly realized my phone was gone! Oh my god, did he steal my phone? I had kept it in the pocket next to my chest, but now it wasn’t there. I had heard that Germany is safe, and during my stay here, I had been convinced of the integrity of the people. I told myself, “I know… I know… all lands have both helpful people and opportunistic ones.” I tried to stay calm and tried to recollect what had happened during the interaction. I had opened my wallet to give the man money, and my natural instinct would have been to put the phone in my wallet as I usually do—and I must have done that. I checked my wallet, and yes, my phone was there! I felt guilty for doubting the old man. 

I continued walking, my hands exposed as I was pulling my suitcase. While talking to the old man, I took out my gloves to use the translator app. I was feeling cold again. I looked around, and no one was wearing gloves. The temperature was around 5°C. I decided to set my suitcase aside, take the glove from my handbag, and put it on again.

As I pulled out the glove and was about to wear it, someone came and stood in front of me once again. I looked at him, and it was the same old man. I smiled at him and said in English, “I just gave you money.” He said, “Ah,” patted my hands again with a smile, and walked away. I tried calling him back so I could ask him about the platform. “Entschuldigung… excuse me…” but my voice was low, and he probably didn’t hear me. He never turned back. I laughed at myself and continued walking.

Time was running out. I pulled on the glove on one hand that was exposed while carrying the suitcase, put the other hand in my pocket, and started walking again. I saw the man, whom I now like to call “the sweet elderly man,” sitting on a bench. I felt more comfortable with him now and decided to ask him for directions to Wiesbaden. Of course, the language was a problem again.

I tried recalling the “W” questions I had learned in my German classes. I went toward him.

“Entschuldigung,” (Excuse me) I said. He looked at me and smiled. “Wo ist Wiesbaden?” (This was clearly wrong. It means “Where is Wiesbaden?” but I wanted to ask, “How do I get to Wiesbaden?”) At least he would probably understand what I meant.

He showed me some actions and made some sounds, which I’m not sure were in German or just sounds accompanied by gestures. He meant: go straight and take a left. I looked ahead. Yes, there was a pathway that led to the left. I asked, “Go straight and take a left?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Danke,” and started walking.

I was feeling cold again, so I decided to wear my second glove. Then, once again, I saw the sweet elderly man coming towards me. He showed me a gesture that seemed to mean “Come with me” or “Follow me.” He started walking swiftly again. I pulled my suitcase and started walking fast to catch up with him. I said in a mix of German and English, “Nein, nein, I can go.” I’m not sure if he actually said this, but I think I heard him say, “I am going there” in English.

He took me to the point where he had previously told me to turn left. I said, “Danke” again. He seemed to have changed his mind, perhaps unsure that I would get there comfortably. He started walking and gestured for me to follow him once again. I pulled my suitcase and walked faster to catch up, trying to tell him again, “Nein, nein.” He didn’t seem to listen. He continued to walk and followed him fast to match his pace. He stopped at some point and pointed to a downward escalator, asking me to take it.

As I looked down the escalator, I saw “Platform 103” written there! I thanked him once more, and he patted my hands one last time before walking back. I felt deeply grateful.

Now, there I am on platform 103. But, I can see trams moving in the same direction on two platforms side by side. I wasn’t sure where my tram would come. I had enough time. I tried reading the map next to the platforms. I could make out the tram timings, but not the platforms themselves. Identifying which tram stopped at which platform was still a challenge.

Now, there was a man in an orange reflective work jacket on the platform. I was sure that he would be a staff of the hauptbahnhof or a flagman. I felt too intimidated to ask him anything. I heard someone else asking him about the S8 train. I framed the sentence once again in my mind – “ist das ein null drais”. Is this one zero three?

Me using ein instead of eins, probably he understood that my German is weak. He almost laughed and said in a very friendly and cheerful tone. “Das ist eins null drais und das ist eins null vier.” He was waving his hands expansively in the full lengths of both the platforms one after the other. He meant to say that one is 103 and the other is 104. That way, I was clear where I would get my train from. 

Ok, I am now relieved. I now know where to get my train from. Even if I take a wrong tram, I have nothing to lose. As I moved towards the platform, there was an S8 which was just arriving at the station. I got inside the train. I had to ride 4 stops. As soon as I got down, there was a board which indicated how to go to the “Flughafen” or the airport. I got on the escalator and then, I started seeing places I had seen earlier. It looked familiar.

I reached the airport much earlier than what I anticipated. The most difficult part of the journey was over and now, I was confident that I can manage the rest of the journey. As I walked through the airport, I looked into the mirrors mounted on the pillars of the airport. I looked like all the other travellers in the airport.  For the first time during this journey, I felt like I belonged. 

 

 

 

2011

It was 12.5 years back that I probably last sat in front of the television to watch a cricket match. It was the old India and it was Sachin Tendulkar's last world cup. Like every other Indian, I was also sitting infront of the television desperately waiting for India to win the cup. 

Oh.. not really. That wasn't the last match I watched. I remember sitting in front of our small television set on the day when Tendulkar retired. 

This is mainly about 2011. Appu was hardly 3 months old and I was in the peak of my post partum depression. Those were the days when Appu slept from 11 in the morning to 11 in the night and kept me awake throughout the nights. May be it was the weather. We were in Trivandrum and it was a hot summer. ACs were switched on only during the nights to get a comfortable sleep. I made Appu to sleep on the big dining table and I sat on the chair opposite him holding his soft little legs and watched India play Srilanka in the finals.  Coincidentally the first World Cup I watched was the one in which Srilanka beat Australia in the finals. It was Sanath Jayasurya’s and Aravinda D’silva’s team headed by Arjuna Ranathunga. The dream team. 

I wasn’t in talking terms with dad when I was watching the finals in 2011. Not being in talking terms with him is not a common occurrence. That would have happened twice or thrice in my entire life & this was the longest. I was missing dad and his love for cricket and the way he used to update me about every match India played. I was thinking about those days when I had watched my first World Cup with him. When he used to tell us about those days when Pakistan and West Indies which were his favourite teams after India and the stories from his younger days when he used to watch cricket. 1983 keeps coming in his stories very often. Vivian Richards, Imran Khan, Wasim Akram were all heroes in his stories. I became a fan of Courtney Walsh and Ian Bishop seeing his admiration for the Carribeans. These were the pre wikipedia days. 1983 team which won the cup - the names of each of the players - I heard from him first. Of course except for Kapil Dev, Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri. Kapil Dev was still playing during those days when I started watching cricket & Ravi Shastri was already a commentator. 

My brother was born just one day after India won the cup in 1983. I am sure that dad scheduled mom's cesarean on that date considering that world cup would be over by then. I am yet to ask dad about this! 

When India won the cup in 2011, I tried reaching dad on his phone. But, didn't get a response. I thought he was still angry with me. But, later, Premith told me that mostly he was crying. It was probably true. It was an emotional moment for all the cricket lovers in India. 

Premith loved cricket like dad. Fast forward to 2023. Today both dad and Premith are away watching the match from their own houses. And it's just Appu and me here at home. 

Dad talks to Appu about the matches on the phone every single day. He probably gave up on me. Premith texted me how he misses Radhmamman. It is Premith's first World Cup without Radhmamman. I was also used to overhearing updates about the matches from Premith’s conversation with Radhmamman. It's hard to believe that Radhmamman was with us when this World Cup started & that he is not there in this world anymore. 

Dad was staying with us when the world cup started this year. That way, I used to hear about the matches from him. After he moved back to his place, I thought, I will be kept away from the updates of this year’s World Cup. However, the next generation seemed to have inherited the love for the game!

I had gone out in the evening. When I got back home and opened the door, I saw that the television was on and Appu was watching the world cup finals! He was doing his home works in parallel. He was curious to know what was happening and had switched on the television. Looks like, I will not be cut out from this world of sports for some more years. Even if I don't get to follow them myself. 

Ending the post with a clipping from the sports page of the Hindu which I found this morning.

Parenting experiences

Today, I feel like talking a bit about parenting. 

Premith & I have different styles of parenting. They are quite contradictory. As a kid, I grew up seeing my mom frequently getting into disturbing arguments with my dad on matters related to parenting, May be because of that, I try to give in and let Premith take over when it comes to Appu. 

As a modern day mother, I am constantly worried about Appu's screen time. Sometimes, I blame Premith for that because he is the one who introduced Appu to the world of internet connected gadgets & computer games. 

Today, while clicking these pictures, I felt that Premith is not all wrong. Few days back, Appu surprised all of us by letting us know that he wants to practise for a 100 meters dash. He is not a morning person. Despite that, these days he wakes up at 5:45 and goes to the beach for a walk. He wants to ensure that his legs & lungs are strong and has the stamina for running. It has been almost a week since we started coming to the beach in the morning for his morning brisk walk.  Kids do get bored of their screen time and want to try out other things. Supporting them when they are ready makes a lot of difference is what my experience tells me. 

Now that was about Premith & his parenting. Coming to mine. Premith is again an overprotective parent. He wants Appu to grow up comfortably in the middle of all the comforts and happiness we can afford. I however believe in letting him know the hardships of life. Though I appear to be a dominant personality among us, Premith usually wins. Since Appu's 5th standard or so, I have been trying to make him switch to an ink pen. Premith never allowed this considering the inconvenience of using ink pens. He buys hundreds of gel pens and ballpoint pens for Appu. And these days, it is hard to get refills too. I get upset seeing the wastage, the money spent on pens and more importantly, the amount of plastic we use. 

Appu is a papa's boy. He listens only to Papa when we have different opinions on matters related to him. But, now that Papa is not here at home, he is a different boy. He talks to me more often, cooperates with me and even goes by my opinions sometimes. I talked to him about using ink pens and he immediately agreed. I was surprised at his response. 

These ink pens instilled a sense of responsibility in us as children. 

We filled ink in our pens every day before going to school. We had spare pens with us to ensure that if at all we run out of ink, we have an extra one. We shared ink with our friends. We didn't need ink bottles to do that. We pumped ink from our pen to our friend's pen. There is a chance that ink might spill from the pen and we carried tiny pieces of clothes to clean our pens or any surface on which the ink might spill. Richer kids carried tiny blotting papers in their pencil boxes for the same. I am sending tissues in Appu's box. Appu is a carefree boy like his papa. Laid back. To be honest, I like that attitude. But sometimes, his casual attitude is a cause of worry. 

I hope this switching to the ink pen will one day help him realise the importance of reducing wastage, reducing the use of plastic and also to be a bit more responsible when it comes to getting ready for the next day. 

The train to Irinjaalakkuda

 "Executive" leaves the Kozhikode railway station at 6.40 am. When I left home, it was 6.27. I am notorious for not carrying cash with me. Since I am traveling alone today, just before leaving, I ensured that I had taken 200 rupees from the box in which we keep aside the money to pay for the water cans. I was almost sure that I wouldn’t reach the railway station on time. But, time was not a key factor today. I was prepared to take a bus to Trichur and from there to Irinjalakkuda if I missed the train. At the same time, I didn’t want to take Premith’s efforts for granted. He had booked my to and fro tickets on Tatkal yesterday so that I could travel comfortably. So, I decided to give it a try with the train. I managed to get a rikshaw from infront of the beach. The rikshaw driver helped me reach the station at 6.39.  The meter showed 58 bucks. I paid him 100 bucks and there was no time to take the change. I thanked the auto rikshaw driver and told him to keep the change. I almost jumped out of the rikshaw and rushed into the platform. When I entered the platfom, the train was ready to depart. I didn’t have the time to check the coach position. So, I got into the train through the first open door which I happened to see. The seats were filled and there were some passengers standing too. 

Most of the passengers appeared to be working people traveling on season tickets. There were law students preparing for their exams and I could hear them reading out and discussing some definitions of privacy in Malayalam. I am a general compartment person & I prefer sitting in those airy compartments with open windows. But at the same time, I recently realised that I have now developed an enochlophobia. I just can't go to crowded places. Crowded malls & restaurants are where I find it the most difficult to be in. I was ok to travel without a seat until Irinjalakkuda. But, today being a working day, I was worried about the season ticket holders who might crowd the compartment.

I thought it was better to find my reserved seat. I opened the app which Dhanya had asked me to install on my mobile phone. Ixigo. And tried to spot the coach position of the chair car. Sigh! It reminded me that I am growing old. My eyes could not decipher the small images & texts. It is time to switch to progressive lens, but I have been postponing it.

I checked with a fellow passenger who appeared to be a regular passenger in the train and got an idea that the compartment could be in the front.

I got down at Feroke and started walking on the platform looking for the chair car. But, I couldn't find the car. The train stops hardly for a minute at Feroke and when I heard the siren go off, I got into the train again through the nearest door.

This time, it was a relatively less crowded compartment and I decided to sit in that compartment which had a friendly vibe. Most of the passengers inside appeared to be season ticket holders here as well. They travelled with just an office bag. 

I didn’t feel like moving out of that compartment. What if the guy who told me about the chair car was wrong and the chair car was in the back? What if I get into another compartment and I find it really crowded? Why should I leave this compartment where people were friendly and cooperative? I felt a bit lethargic and in a comfort zone.

Parappanagadi, Tanur, Tirur - I could see stations passing by.

I missed Premith. He wanted me to travel comfortably and had booked my tickets. I felt sorry for him.   

So, what if I don’t find the seat, give it a try at least. What are you scared off? Get into the smarter and confident version of you. Someone told me from within. 

I just got up and started walking towards the front. Everytime I passed through the gangways and over the  metallic couplings that connected the compartments, it felt like I know the in and out of trains. It built a feeling of intimacy with the train.    

“Paalam pori Palaam pori.. “. A Hindi speaking man was selling banana fritters. I am not good at Hindi, like many Keralites of my generation. Thanks to Seetha, the cook we had in Bangalore. She had helped me get rid of my inhibition to speak in Hindi.

"Bhayya, yeh ac compartment, kis taraf hein? Aapko maaloom hein kya?" I gained some confidence and asked him in my broken Hindi. "Or aagey jaana hein". He told me. I kept moving towards the front.

After passing by two more compartments, I saw a TTE and asked him about the chair car once again.  He confirmed me that the chair car is just more two compartments ahead.

It felt like a win when I found the compartment. I had overcome my lethargy. The vibe inside was totally different. A lady was walking through the pathway in a purple coloured silk saree and she was followed by a formally dressed man who looked slightly older than her. I waited until they passed. 

My seat, seat number 8 was occupied. The man who was sitting there had dozed off. I checked with the man in the adjacent seat whether this compartment is C1. He said with a smiling face that it is. Hearing me speak, the man sitting in my seat woke up and I asked him whether it is his seat. He said no and if it is my seat, I can take it.

He moved out and I thanked him and occupied my seat.

I was a bit hungry. These days, my body keeps reminding me that I am growing old. I get a migraine if I don’t sleep well. I also get a migraine if I don’t have food on time.

I hadn’t taken my breakfast. I was only left with 100 Rs in my purse. I wasn't sure whether the vendors who sell food would accept the payment via google pay. I was a bit hesitant to ask them about google pay or to ask them upfront how much does the bread and omelette would cost. One of the reasons was that I was not fully sure whether I will be able to make that conversation in Hindi if at all these vendors are Hindi speaking. But, then again, I pushed myself and bought a bread and omelette and had it. It only costed me Rs.50 and I was left with another Rs.50 as cash until I got down. That was a relief again. 

When I went out to discard the empty breakfast box in the bin, I noticed that the space near the door which is usually occupied was free. The view to the outside was refreshing. I stood near the door for a while, captured a short video and posted it on my Instagram feed. 

I came back and sat on my seat. I read the story “a small, good thing” from the book cathedral, which a  friend had sent me sometime back. 

The man sitting beside me was getting calls frequently on his mobile phone. He was talking about construction. I assumed that he is either an engineer or a business man who is into construction business.The civil engineer in me wanted to have a conversation with him.

The train had stopped at a station. From the tinted glass, I somehow sensed or made a guess that we were in Shornur. I was in a mood to make a conversation with the man sitting next to me. I asked him whether the station we are in is Shornur. I also asked him where he is getting down. I used “sir” to address him. I don’t know why I do that. But I got it from my mom. I have been trying to change that habit, but it is not happening.

Anyhow, the man didn’t really like me conversing with him. Probably, he is like my spouse & hates talking to people. Or may be he just didn't like me. Unlike earlier, there was no smile on his face and he was visibly unhappy about me talking to him this time. 

I didn’t want to bother him again. I opened the ixigo app on my mobile phone and checked the running status of the train on it. It seemed like a user friendly mobile app. I was right. We were in Shornur. I missed the friendly general compartment.

When I got down at Irinjalakkuda, Dhanya was waiting for me there with a smile. It was worth taking a day off from work to travel all the way to meet her & spend a day with her and her parents. But, I regretted not sticking on to the seat I found in the not so crowded general compartment.

Mindfully, With Appu

During my school days, I struggled with classes which involved fine motoring skills. Embroidery classes, titrations, physics labs etc gave me night mares.

Few days back when Appu wanted to do some embroidery related homework, I offered to pitch in. Sometime during my last 11 years of parenting, I realised that I struggled in school with activities in which my mom and dad were not good at.

Though my dad is not insecure about the skills he didn't have, my mom is an insecure person. If there was anything she didn't know, she panicked.

I'm not criticising my parents. Just sharing some experiences. I always feel grateful to have been born to my parents who did everything possible to give a good life to their kids. What I love the best about them is the fact that they were very open. Even at a very old age, they were willing to correct themselves in matters which they felt they failed.

Coming back to embroidery, I didn't want Appu to know that I didn't like embroidery until we started with it. I acted confident in front of him when we started with the first youtube video. In between when I observed that he is doing well, I did tell him that his Amma was very poor in embroidery during school days.

We started around 5:30 and took almost 2 hours to finish this much. I was happily sitting with him watching him doing his embroidery without any kind of distractions.

Appu spends a lot of time on his computer and phone. But, when we sit with him to help him with his activities, he cooperates well. Like my parents, I have started liking spending time with Appu for his school related activities which he comes to me with. And, he enjoys that time too.

What I was trying to mention was about a video which I recently watched. Mayaleela had created a video about mindfulness recently & throughout this activity, I was telling myself that I am not liking the process of embroidery, but the fact that I am spending time with Appu is something I am enjoying. The video is worth watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BGg57M7FqI

It is in Malayalam. Sharing it in the comments section as well.

Another quick recipe

As his Amma is returning to work after a 10 day’s leave, packed this with love ❤️

Another quick recipe.

We are a family with an acquired taste for authentic Kerala food. Not that we do not try anything else. But when it comes to regular food, if there is no Kerala food on the table for more than one or two days in a row, no one takes food here. And that includes me.

Whenever I work, food is a problem. Except when we used to be fortunate enough to have good cooks.

When it comes to cooking, I don’t enjoy doing it for all the three times and round the year.

I do minimal cooking and most of my recipes are half an hour recipes. It helps me to stay in touch with my kitchen and my cooking skills.

As I bid goodbye to my kitchen for another 3 or 4 months, I am excited about this. This season, I am moving out with another quick recipe which I know Appu will ask me to prepare again. And that is the best feeling you can get out of knowing how to cook. ❤️

Irrespective of the gender, cooking is a good to have skill. No other skill can fill your heart like the feeling you get when you serve self cooked food to your friends and family. ❤️

White Tiger - Reading Experience

31st Oct, 2022

After Appu was born, the pace of my reading has been slow. Mothers like me who bring up their children without much support have to work like a clock to ensure that their kids get to eat when they are hungry. Your kids don't go to the school if you are late in waking up by 5 minutes. They will stay naked or stay in soiled clothes if you don't help them change. It is hard to find some uninterrupted time to read when you are in the the mid of responsibilities like these.

It was my schoolmate and friend Dhanush's tip that helped me complete this book. It was his suggestion to read at least 5 pages a day. I started reading this book on the 1st of January, 2022. And, it is only today that I am finishing this book!

Premith had recommended this book to me in 2012. I always wondered why he recommended this book to me. After finishing, I sense that it was because of the condescending tone and the tone of privilege that I had in my writings those days (and even today) that he recommended this to me.

Sometimes when you read a book, there are lines you just wait for. And, here is something I found which I waited for. And, that is Balram Halwai speaking to us, the readers.

(Btw, bro A, thanks to you for lending me this book. After around 3+ years, I am finally in a position to return this to you)