2011

It was 12.5 years back that I probably last sat in front of the television to watch a cricket match. It was the old India and it was Sachin Tendulkar's last world cup. Like every other Indian, I was also sitting infront of the television desperately waiting for India to win the cup. 

Oh.. not really. That wasn't the last match I watched. I remember sitting in front of our small television set on the day when Tendulkar retired. 

This is mainly about 2011. Appu was hardly 3 months old and I was in the peak of my post partum depression. Those were the days when Appu slept from 11 in the morning to 11 in the night and kept me awake throughout the nights. May be it was the weather. We were in Trivandrum and it was a hot summer. ACs were switched on only during the nights to get a comfortable sleep. I made Appu to sleep on the big dining table and I sat on the chair opposite him holding his soft little legs and watched India play Srilanka in the finals.  Coincidentally the first World Cup I watched was the one in which Srilanka beat Australia in the finals. It was Sanath Jayasurya’s and Aravinda D’silva’s team headed by Arjuna Ranathunga. The dream team. 

I wasn’t in talking terms with dad when I was watching the finals in 2011. Not being in talking terms with him is not a common occurrence. That would have happened twice or thrice in my entire life & this was the longest. I was missing dad and his love for cricket and the way he used to update me about every match India played. I was thinking about those days when I had watched my first World Cup with him. When he used to tell us about those days when Pakistan and West Indies which were his favourite teams after India and the stories from his younger days when he used to watch cricket. 1983 keeps coming in his stories very often. Vivian Richards, Imran Khan, Wasim Akram were all heroes in his stories. I became a fan of Courtney Walsh and Ian Bishop seeing his admiration for the Carribeans. These were the pre wikipedia days. 1983 team which won the cup - the names of each of the players - I heard from him first. Of course except for Kapil Dev, Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri. Kapil Dev was still playing during those days when I started watching cricket & Ravi Shastri was already a commentator. 

My brother was born just one day after India won the cup in 1983. I am sure that dad scheduled mom's cesarean on that date considering that world cup would be over by then. I am yet to ask dad about this! 

When India won the cup in 2011, I tried reaching dad on his phone. But, didn't get a response. I thought he was still angry with me. But, later, Premith told me that mostly he was crying. It was probably true. It was an emotional moment for all the cricket lovers in India. 

Premith loved cricket like dad. Fast forward to 2023. Today both dad and Premith are away watching the match from their own houses. And it's just Appu and me here at home. 

Dad talks to Appu about the matches on the phone every single day. He probably gave up on me. Premith texted me how he misses Radhmamman. It is Premith's first World Cup without Radhmamman. I was also used to overhearing updates about the matches from Premith’s conversation with Radhmamman. It's hard to believe that Radhmamman was with us when this World Cup started & that he is not there in this world anymore. 

Dad was staying with us when the world cup started this year. That way, I used to hear about the matches from him. After he moved back to his place, I thought, I will be kept away from the updates of this year’s World Cup. However, the next generation seemed to have inherited the love for the game!

I had gone out in the evening. When I got back home and opened the door, I saw that the television was on and Appu was watching the world cup finals! He was doing his home works in parallel. He was curious to know what was happening and had switched on the television. Looks like, I will not be cut out from this world of sports for some more years. Even if I don't get to follow them myself. 

Ending the post with a clipping from the sports page of the Hindu which I found this morning.

Parenting experiences

Today, I feel like talking a bit about parenting. 

Premith & I have different styles of parenting. They are quite contradictory. As a kid, I grew up seeing my mom frequently getting into disturbing arguments with my dad on matters related to parenting, May be because of that, I try to give in and let Premith take over when it comes to Appu. 

As a modern day mother, I am constantly worried about Appu's screen time. Sometimes, I blame Premith for that because he is the one who introduced Appu to the world of internet connected gadgets & computer games. 

Today, while clicking these pictures, I felt that Premith is not all wrong. Few days back, Appu surprised all of us by letting us know that he wants to practise for a 100 meters dash. He is not a morning person. Despite that, these days he wakes up at 5:45 and goes to the beach for a walk. He wants to ensure that his legs & lungs are strong and has the stamina for running. It has been almost a week since we started coming to the beach in the morning for his morning brisk walk.  Kids do get bored of their screen time and want to try out other things. Supporting them when they are ready makes a lot of difference is what my experience tells me. 

Now that was about Premith & his parenting. Coming to mine. Premith is again an overprotective parent. He wants Appu to grow up comfortably in the middle of all the comforts and happiness we can afford. I however believe in letting him know the hardships of life. Though I appear to be a dominant personality among us, Premith usually wins. Since Appu's 5th standard or so, I have been trying to make him switch to an ink pen. Premith never allowed this considering the inconvenience of using ink pens. He buys hundreds of gel pens and ballpoint pens for Appu. And these days, it is hard to get refills too. I get upset seeing the wastage, the money spent on pens and more importantly, the amount of plastic we use. 

Appu is a papa's boy. He listens only to Papa when we have different opinions on matters related to him. But, now that Papa is not here at home, he is a different boy. He talks to me more often, cooperates with me and even goes by my opinions sometimes. I talked to him about using ink pens and he immediately agreed. I was surprised at his response. 

These ink pens instilled a sense of responsibility in us as children. 

We filled ink in our pens every day before going to school. We had spare pens with us to ensure that if at all we run out of ink, we have an extra one. We shared ink with our friends. We didn't need ink bottles to do that. We pumped ink from our pen to our friend's pen. There is a chance that ink might spill from the pen and we carried tiny pieces of clothes to clean our pens or any surface on which the ink might spill. Richer kids carried tiny blotting papers in their pencil boxes for the same. I am sending tissues in Appu's box. Appu is a carefree boy like his papa. Laid back. To be honest, I like that attitude. But sometimes, his casual attitude is a cause of worry. 

I hope this switching to the ink pen will one day help him realise the importance of reducing wastage, reducing the use of plastic and also to be a bit more responsible when it comes to getting ready for the next day. 

The train to Irinjaalakkuda

 "Executive" leaves the Kozhikode railway station at 6.40 am. When I left home, it was 6.27. I am notorious for not carrying cash with me. Since I am traveling alone today, just before leaving, I ensured that I had taken 200 rupees from the box in which we keep aside the money to pay for the water cans. I was almost sure that I wouldn’t reach the railway station on time. But, time was not a key factor today. I was prepared to take a bus to Trichur and from there to Irinjalakkuda if I missed the train. At the same time, I didn’t want to take Premith’s efforts for granted. He had booked my to and fro tickets on Tatkal yesterday so that I could travel comfortably. So, I decided to give it a try with the train. I managed to get a rikshaw from infront of the beach. The rikshaw driver helped me reach the station at 6.39.  The meter showed 58 bucks. I paid him 100 bucks and there was no time to take the change. I thanked the auto rikshaw driver and told him to keep the change. I almost jumped out of the rikshaw and rushed into the platform. When I entered the platfom, the train was ready to depart. I didn’t have the time to check the coach position. So, I got into the train through the first open door which I happened to see. The seats were filled and there were some passengers standing too. 

Most of the passengers appeared to be working people traveling on season tickets. There were law students preparing for their exams and I could hear them reading out and discussing some definitions of privacy in Malayalam. I am a general compartment person & I prefer sitting in those airy compartments with open windows. But at the same time, I recently realised that I have now developed an enochlophobia. I just can't go to crowded places. Crowded malls & restaurants are where I find it the most difficult to be in. I was ok to travel without a seat until Irinjalakkuda. But, today being a working day, I was worried about the season ticket holders who might crowd the compartment.

I thought it was better to find my reserved seat. I opened the app which Dhanya had asked me to install on my mobile phone. Ixigo. And tried to spot the coach position of the chair car. Sigh! It reminded me that I am growing old. My eyes could not decipher the small images & texts. It is time to switch to progressive lens, but I have been postponing it.

I checked with a fellow passenger who appeared to be a regular passenger in the train and got an idea that the compartment could be in the front.

I got down at Feroke and started walking on the platform looking for the chair car. But, I couldn't find the car. The train stops hardly for a minute at Feroke and when I heard the siren go off, I got into the train again through the nearest door.

This time, it was a relatively less crowded compartment and I decided to sit in that compartment which had a friendly vibe. Most of the passengers inside appeared to be season ticket holders here as well. They travelled with just an office bag. 

I didn’t feel like moving out of that compartment. What if the guy who told me about the chair car was wrong and the chair car was in the back? What if I get into another compartment and I find it really crowded? Why should I leave this compartment where people were friendly and cooperative? I felt a bit lethargic and in a comfort zone.

Parappanagadi, Tanur, Tirur - I could see stations passing by.

I missed Premith. He wanted me to travel comfortably and had booked my tickets. I felt sorry for him.   

So, what if I don’t find the seat, give it a try at least. What are you scared off? Get into the smarter and confident version of you. Someone told me from within. 

I just got up and started walking towards the front. Everytime I passed through the gangways and over the  metallic couplings that connected the compartments, it felt like I know the in and out of trains. It built a feeling of intimacy with the train.    

“Paalam pori Palaam pori.. “. A Hindi speaking man was selling banana fritters. I am not good at Hindi, like many Keralites of my generation. Thanks to Seetha, the cook we had in Bangalore. She had helped me get rid of my inhibition to speak in Hindi.

"Bhayya, yeh ac compartment, kis taraf hein? Aapko maaloom hein kya?" I gained some confidence and asked him in my broken Hindi. "Or aagey jaana hein". He told me. I kept moving towards the front.

After passing by two more compartments, I saw a TTE and asked him about the chair car once again.  He confirmed me that the chair car is just more two compartments ahead.

It felt like a win when I found the compartment. I had overcome my lethargy. The vibe inside was totally different. A lady was walking through the pathway in a purple coloured silk saree and she was followed by a formally dressed man who looked slightly older than her. I waited until they passed. 

My seat, seat number 8 was occupied. The man who was sitting there had dozed off. I checked with the man in the adjacent seat whether this compartment is C1. He said with a smiling face that it is. Hearing me speak, the man sitting in my seat woke up and I asked him whether it is his seat. He said no and if it is my seat, I can take it.

He moved out and I thanked him and occupied my seat.

I was a bit hungry. These days, my body keeps reminding me that I am growing old. I get a migraine if I don’t sleep well. I also get a migraine if I don’t have food on time.

I hadn’t taken my breakfast. I was only left with 100 Rs in my purse. I wasn't sure whether the vendors who sell food would accept the payment via google pay. I was a bit hesitant to ask them about google pay or to ask them upfront how much does the bread and omelette would cost. One of the reasons was that I was not fully sure whether I will be able to make that conversation in Hindi if at all these vendors are Hindi speaking. But, then again, I pushed myself and bought a bread and omelette and had it. It only costed me Rs.50 and I was left with another Rs.50 as cash until I got down. That was a relief again. 

When I went out to discard the empty breakfast box in the bin, I noticed that the space near the door which is usually occupied was free. The view to the outside was refreshing. I stood near the door for a while, captured a short video and posted it on my Instagram feed. 

I came back and sat on my seat. I read the story “a small, good thing” from the book cathedral, which a  friend had sent me sometime back. 

The man sitting beside me was getting calls frequently on his mobile phone. He was talking about construction. I assumed that he is either an engineer or a business man who is into construction business.The civil engineer in me wanted to have a conversation with him.

The train had stopped at a station. From the tinted glass, I somehow sensed or made a guess that we were in Shornur. I was in a mood to make a conversation with the man sitting next to me. I asked him whether the station we are in is Shornur. I also asked him where he is getting down. I used “sir” to address him. I don’t know why I do that. But I got it from my mom. I have been trying to change that habit, but it is not happening.

Anyhow, the man didn’t really like me conversing with him. Probably, he is like my spouse & hates talking to people. Or may be he just didn't like me. Unlike earlier, there was no smile on his face and he was visibly unhappy about me talking to him this time. 

I didn’t want to bother him again. I opened the ixigo app on my mobile phone and checked the running status of the train on it. It seemed like a user friendly mobile app. I was right. We were in Shornur. I missed the friendly general compartment.

When I got down at Irinjalakkuda, Dhanya was waiting for me there with a smile. It was worth taking a day off from work to travel all the way to meet her & spend a day with her and her parents. But, I regretted not sticking on to the seat I found in the not so crowded general compartment.

Mindfully, With Appu

During my school days, I struggled with classes which involved fine motoring skills. Embroidery classes, titrations, physics labs etc gave me night mares.

Few days back when Appu wanted to do some embroidery related homework, I offered to pitch in. Sometime during my last 11 years of parenting, I realised that I struggled in school with activities in which my mom and dad were not good at.

Though my dad is not insecure about the skills he didn't have, my mom is an insecure person. If there was anything she didn't know, she panicked.

I'm not criticising my parents. Just sharing some experiences. I always feel grateful to have been born to my parents who did everything possible to give a good life to their kids. What I love the best about them is the fact that they were very open. Even at a very old age, they were willing to correct themselves in matters which they felt they failed.

Coming back to embroidery, I didn't want Appu to know that I didn't like embroidery until we started with it. I acted confident in front of him when we started with the first youtube video. In between when I observed that he is doing well, I did tell him that his Amma was very poor in embroidery during school days.

We started around 5:30 and took almost 2 hours to finish this much. I was happily sitting with him watching him doing his embroidery without any kind of distractions.

Appu spends a lot of time on his computer and phone. But, when we sit with him to help him with his activities, he cooperates well. Like my parents, I have started liking spending time with Appu for his school related activities which he comes to me with. And, he enjoys that time too.

What I was trying to mention was about a video which I recently watched. Mayaleela had created a video about mindfulness recently & throughout this activity, I was telling myself that I am not liking the process of embroidery, but the fact that I am spending time with Appu is something I am enjoying. The video is worth watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BGg57M7FqI

It is in Malayalam. Sharing it in the comments section as well.

Another quick recipe

As his Amma is returning to work after a 10 day’s leave, packed this with love ❤️

Another quick recipe.

We are a family with an acquired taste for authentic Kerala food. Not that we do not try anything else. But when it comes to regular food, if there is no Kerala food on the table for more than one or two days in a row, no one takes food here. And that includes me.

Whenever I work, food is a problem. Except when we used to be fortunate enough to have good cooks.

When it comes to cooking, I don’t enjoy doing it for all the three times and round the year.

I do minimal cooking and most of my recipes are half an hour recipes. It helps me to stay in touch with my kitchen and my cooking skills.

As I bid goodbye to my kitchen for another 3 or 4 months, I am excited about this. This season, I am moving out with another quick recipe which I know Appu will ask me to prepare again. And that is the best feeling you can get out of knowing how to cook. ❤️

Irrespective of the gender, cooking is a good to have skill. No other skill can fill your heart like the feeling you get when you serve self cooked food to your friends and family. ❤️

White Tiger - Reading Experience

31st Oct, 2022

After Appu was born, the pace of my reading has been slow. Mothers like me who bring up their children without much support have to work like a clock to ensure that their kids get to eat when they are hungry. Your kids don't go to the school if you are late in waking up by 5 minutes. They will stay naked or stay in soiled clothes if you don't help them change. It is hard to find some uninterrupted time to read when you are in the the mid of responsibilities like these.

It was my schoolmate and friend Dhanush's tip that helped me complete this book. It was his suggestion to read at least 5 pages a day. I started reading this book on the 1st of January, 2022. And, it is only today that I am finishing this book!

Premith had recommended this book to me in 2012. I always wondered why he recommended this book to me. After finishing, I sense that it was because of the condescending tone and the tone of privilege that I had in my writings those days (and even today) that he recommended this to me.

Sometimes when you read a book, there are lines you just wait for. And, here is something I found which I waited for. And, that is Balram Halwai speaking to us, the readers.

(Btw, bro A, thanks to you for lending me this book. After around 3+ years, I am finally in a position to return this to you)